How To Stay Safe

• Identify your partner’s use and level of force so you can assess the risk of physical danger to yourself and others before it occurs. 

• Identify safe areas in your residence with pathways to exit, away from any weapons. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas before they escalate. 

• If safe, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. This can include friends or family, CSN 24/7 Helpline 307.733.7233 (SAFE). Know where the nearest public phone is located. 

• Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night. Examples include needing multiple trips to the grocery store, spending time with friends, or staying at work longer. Find unnecessary errands to complete.   

• If possible, practice how to get out safely and create an emergency exit plan, including with others who may be living in the residence. 

•  Consider hiding a spare set of car keys and keep your car fueled and ready to pull out. 

• If you live in a rural area, consider what you would need to get to a safe place. 

• If possible, have an emergency financial fund. Cash on hand or a card that is easily accessible if you need to leave at a moment’s notice.  

• Keep copies or originals of important documents somewhere safe, this could include copy of birth certificates, passports, visas, etc.  

• If possible, keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and stored as inaccessibly as possible. If you are concerned about your safety, please reach out to an Advocate. 

• Be mindful of how clothing or jewelry could be used to physically harm you. For example, if your partner has put their hands around your neck, avoid wearing scarves or jewelry that can be used to harm you. 

If violence is unavoidable 

•  make yourself as physically small as possible. Move to a corner and curl into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined. 

• Stay away from the danger areas you identified in your house. 

Safety is not always about physical danger. Consider ways toward an emotional safety plan:

• Identifying ways to stay connected to those you trust. 

• Participating in self-care in a variety of ways to shift focus – self-pampering, exercise, eating healthy, counseling, journaling, knowing when and how to emotionally check out during times of duress. 

• Smudging or praying if that is what helps heal your spirit. 

• Reconnecting with hobbies for inspiration and sometimes as distraction. 

• Know the abusive partners’ triggers, avoid if possible until you are ready to leave 

How others can help with a safety plan: 

• Let trusted friends and neighbors know about your situation. Develop a plan and visual signal for when you might need their help. Give them clear instructions on who you do or do not want them to contact in moments of crisis, including law enforcement. 

• Talk to others living in the residence about how to get help, including children or roommates. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Work with them to establish a mutual signal for when they should get help or leave the house 

If you have children and are in an abusive relationship it is important to include your children in your safety plan, whether or not they are the abusive partner’s children and whether or not the abusive partner has ever been violent towards the children. 

During violence or escalating aggression 

• Teach your children how and when to call 911. 

• Explain to the children they should never get involved in the violence. 

Plan with your children 

• If age-appropriate, set up a plan with the children to leave the house when violence begins to escalate. 

• Talk through where they can go and who they can call or go to for help. If the children can’t safely leave the house, set up a safe space for them in the home. Possibly a closet with comforts of toys and blankets, with a spare phone or device they can use to call for help if old enough. The bathroom, kitchen, and areas where weapons are easily accessible are to be avoided. 

• Plan a code word with them so they know when to get help and/or when to leave the house. Make sure they know to keep the code word secret. 

Communication with your children 

• Explain that violence is never their fault. 

• Make time to talk to the children about what they witnessed and felt. 

• Make a list of people they are comfortable talking to and sharing their feelings with. 

• Tell them violence is never okay no matter what and that it should not be happening, and that the violence is not yours or their fault. 

• Remind them it is important for them to stay safe during the violence. 

• Make sure they know not to tell the abuser about your safety plans. Keep in mind children can often be manipulated by abusive parents.  Encourage them to say they are practicing for what happens “in an emergency” instead of “when mom/dad gets angry”. 

Safety planning with children after you have left 

If your children are listed on a protection order or there is a court order around custody and visitation, make sure to share these documents with their schools or childcare providers.  

• Consider yours and the children’s safety for custody exchanges. 

• Plan custody exchanges in public places, possibly police stations or hospitals. 

• Consider having a family member or friend come with you for pickups and drop-offs. 

• Or plan your exchanges around school, one parent drop off and another pickup, so you and your ex do not see each other. 

• Plan for unsupervised visits with the abusive partner. 

• Make age-appropriate safety plans with your children, using the same methods and ideas you used for yourself. 

• If you can do so safely, teach the children how to use a phone and send a phone with them to be used in case of an emergency. 

• Continue to emotionally safety plan. 

• Talk to your children about how they are feeling, plan fun activities for them to unwind and debrief with you after a stressful situation. 

Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. It is important to safety plan before, during, and after you leave your abusive partner. 

Before you leave 

• Do not tell or threaten your abusive partner you are planning to leave. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, it is important they do not know you are planning to leave. 

• Collect and keep safe and hide any evidence of abuse such as pictures, logs, medical or police reports. 

• Consider setting up an email account and emailing yourself the evidence and any other important documents. 

• Keeping a journal of the abuse incidents even when there is no physical evidence. 

• If you go to the doctor for injuries related to the abuse, ask that they document the incident and injuries. Ask for a copy. 

• Think about the important documents and items you will need to take. You may have to leave in a hurry. 

• Originals or copies of birth certificates, social security cards, prescriptions, and any legal documents (see below) are important to have when you leave. 

• If you can find a way to make or set aside money, do so and keep it somewhere safe. 

• Consider having a bag ready to go with the essentials you would need to leave. Be sure to keep this bag hidden. 

• Consider speaking to an advocate about protection orders or other tools to help ensure your safety 

When you leave 

• Make a plan of how you can leave safely and quickly. If possible, know where you are going to stay and how you are going to get there. 

• Be sure to gather all legal documents 

• Protective order 

• Copies of any lease agreements, rental paperwork, or deed to your home 

• Car registration and insurance papers 

• Health and life insurance papers 

• Medical records for you and your children 

• School records 

• Work permits/green card/visa 

• Passport 

• Divorce and custody papers 

• Marriage license 

• Be sure to gather all identification information 

• Driver’s license and/or children’s school IDs 

• Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates 

• Social security cards 

• Financial information 

• Money and/or credit cards (in your name) 

• Checking and/or savings account books 

• Be sure to prepare any contact information you might need. 

• Doctors office number 

• Local domestic violence program or shelter 

• Friends and family’s numbers 

• Local police station 

• If you can plan as if you will not be able to come back for anything, gather any needed medications, sentimental items, money, jewelry, etc. 

After you leave 

• Taking care of your emotional and physical safety is important, even after you leave your abusive partner. 

• Change your locks. 

• Change your phone number and talk with your phone provider about ways to keep your number private. 

• Change your daily routine including work hours and common routes to work. 

• If you have a protective or restraining order, keep a copy of it with you at all times. 

• If you are comfortable doing so, alert your children’s school and your workplace of the situation. 

• Tell people who take care of your children clearly who is and isn’t allowed to pick them up and explain your situation with them if possible. 

• If needed, look into an address confidentiality program. 

A Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner is a tool available to individuals who have experienced sexual assault. It is important to remember that CSN Advocates are available to educate individuals about the process and provide accompaniment to the appointment if needed.  

• It is recommended that a SANE exam is performed as soon as possible after the incident. Ideally, an individual will not shower, douche, or remove clothing worn during assault.  if an individual has already done any of the previous an exam is still recommended.  

• SANE exams can only be performed by nurses who have had specialized training.  

•  The SANE nurse prioritizes the individual’s comfort and well-being, providing emotional support throughout the exam.  

• The individual has the right to stop the exam at any point and can choose to decline certain procedures.  

• The individual also has the right to do this exam in full disclosure or anonymously (Blind). 

• Intended to provide necessary medical care. This includes a physical wellness check addressing any physical damage that may have resulted from the incident.  

• SANE nurses can provide medication to address concerns related to pregnancy, STIs, or other incident-related health concerns.  

• There is an evidence-gathering component of SANE exams that includes gathering the victim’s testimony, swabbing for DNA, photos, and other documentation. Individuals can refuse certain parts of the exam they do not feel comfortable with.  

• An individual has the right to choose if they would like to file a criminal report or not. SANE exams can be done anonymously with the option to remove anonymity at a later time.  

• Evidence collected during a SANE exam can be used in criminal proceedings against the alleged perpetrator if the individual chooses to file a police report.  

Reporting 

Need content  

Title IX, a federal mandate in the Education Amendments of 1972, prohibits sex discrimination in educational programs anywhere in the country. Under Title IX, people who attend school and have experienced sexual harassment, sexual assault or rape have the right to support services through their high school, college or university. 

 Protection order. If you feel that the abusive person would reduce the level and frequency of threats if the law becomes involved, this may be an effective tool to increase your safety. A protective order does not replace a safety plan, but an advocate may be able to help you explore whether getting a protective order could be a resource to keep you safe.  

The Drug Method 

Drugs are frequently used to facilitate sexual assault, from alcohol – the most common – to other powerful chemicals. Drugs can be administered by anyone from a stranger or casual acquaintance to a trusted friend. 

The presence of drugs may manifest in these signs: 

• The feeling of being more intoxicated than normal according to the amount of alcohol consumed. 

• Waking up extremely hung-over, unable to account for a period of time. 

• One of the last clear memories is of taking a drink. 

• The feeling of just having sex or being sexually assaulted with no recollection of such activity. 

• Unexplained memory loss. 

• Missing clothes and no sense of why. 

• Injuries, but no recollection of any incident. 

No one can predict how someone will react to a sexual assault. Such a personal crime has personal consequences. People may find themselves dealing with: 

• Excessive fear 

• Excessive anxiety 

• Frustration and anger 

• Sleeplessness 

• Inability to concentrate 

• Social isolation 

• Changes in eating habits 

• Feeling suicidal 

• Other feelings 

Talking to a counselor can be a great way to start to heal from any kind of abuse. Support groups can also be an important tool because they can let you see how others have coped with their own situations, and often let you interact with people at various stages of the healing process. Finding the right counselor or support group can be difficult sometimes, but our advocates are here to support you and put you in touch with the local resources in your community that are on the ground to help. 

•  Consider talking to your friends and family. Staying connected to your support system will be imperative during this time.
•  Consider changing locks, placing a security camera or other security measures. Even if there is low to no risk of your offender coming to your home it can create a sense of emotional safety. 
•  Engage in activities that bring you joy. 

• Trust your instincts. Many victims of stalking feel pressured by friends or families to simply ignore the stalker’s behavior or “just tell them off.” Stalkers are dangerous and your fear is justified. 

• Your safety plan should evolve, change, and adapt as the stalking situation changes. 

• As much as possible, don’t only plan around what has already happened – also think about what might happen next (for example, “if X happens, I will do Y”) 

• Consider or try to anticipate how the stalker may react to any changes you may make, so you can further plan for your safety. Stalkers often escalate their behavior when the victim reacts (for example, if you block them on social media, they might start showing up at your home). 

• Victims must balance their need to live normal lives with their concerns over safety. Only you can decide what tradeoffs are realistic and appropriate for you. 

• Working with an Advocate to develop a safety plan. 

• Notifying the police, especially if you feel you are in any immediate danger. You can explain to the police why some actions that might seem harmless (like the stalker driving by your house or leaving you a gift) are causing you fear. 

• Ceasing any further communication with the stalker. Many stalkers perceive any contact, even negative contact, to be a reinforcement (more information on this below). 

• Keeping a log of every stalking incident including the date, time, what happened, and the names and phone numbers of any witnesses. Documentation is key to understanding the scope of the situation, safety planning, and/or holding the offender accountable. 

• Varying your daily routine periodically – routes to and from work/school, the grocery store, or other places you regularly go. 

• Telling your family, friends, and neighbors that you are being stalked and instruct them on what they should do if the stalker contacts them. 

• Seeking a protective order. (Contact us for assistance.) 

• Consider cutting off any and all communication with the stalker. Many stalkers misinterpret any contact (even negative contact) as encouragement. 

Some victims feel that they should ensure the stalker knows that the contact is unwanted. If that is true for your situation, you may consider telling the stalker once – and only once – that you do not want any contact. After that, it is important to consider cutting all ties with the stalker, including not answering messages or calls. 

Some examples of how to express your desire for no contact include: 

“I am not interested in having a relationship with you. Do not contact me ever again.” 

“Do not call, stop by, text, or contact me in any way whatsoever.” 

“I do not want you to contact me in any way. If you continue to do so – or if you are on my property, or follow me – I will call the police.” 

“I am ending this relationship. I am not going to change my mind. Do not contact me again. I do not want to have any communication with you, in any form. If you try to contact me, I will call the police/take legal action.” 

While disengagement is advisable, it is not always possible or realistic to cease all communication. Some victims feel safer by communicating with their stalkers to gain information on the stalker’s mood and plans. Some victims must maintain contact with their stalker due to shared custody of their children. It is important to understand how continued contact can impact an order of protection or a criminal case, so discuss this with the professional who is assisting you with your safety planning.