Beyond ‘Adolescence’: Key Takeaways from Our Middle School Parent Discussion

If you haven’t watched Netflix’s limited series, “Adolescence,” be warned – there are spoilers below! 

The “Adolescence” series has sparked important conversations throughout our community. As domestic and sexual violence prevention educators, we initially found the first episode reflects the unfortunate reality of violence we address in our work. Unhealthy power dynamics between genders has impacted our culture for decades, if not centuries, and it seems is more and more prevalent among youth. 

In the following three episodes, the dynamics between parents and their children offered particularly valuable insights, as well. 

There is a lot of great content available about the show, and particularly helpful information for parents on how to prevent violence between young people. Joshua Johnson provides an excellent perspective with the question “when did you learn to hate yourself?” and this video dives into the topic of radicalization of young men. 

Here’s an article with ideas about discussing the show “Adolescence” with children.

We recently had a pop-up conversation with middle school parents to reflect on themes in the show and create a shared language and understanding of the problem, and also discuss helpful practices for parenting and supporting healthy kids. The conversation focused on five topics:

• What are the signs of healthy/unhealthy relationships?
• What ideas do we have about social media and tech use?
• How do we build authentic connections with teen/tweens?
• How do we overcome negative norms related to masculinity?
• How do we discuss mental health issues impacting our teens/tweens?

Healthy Relationships and Self Image

During our 8th grade PE classes on healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships, we’ve observed that 8th graders demonstrate wisdom about what constitutes healthy and unhealthy relationships. What concerns educators is the prevalence of dehumanizing, disrespectful language among students, which can be a precursor to physical violence. 

The “radicalization” of young men and growth of the incel movement feeds on self-hatred. As a community, the more we can instill self-love in our children, particularly during the challenging middle school years, the less likely our children are to disrespect each other or fall into traps set by harmful online movements. Teaching self-love to children begins with adults modeling positive self-talk. Children are always listening to how we talk about ourselves.

Digital Media and Algorithms

Tech use and screen time emerged as a universal challenge for parents at the middle school meeting. Nearly everyone expressed the difficulty of taking away a phone from a child and witnessing the physical, emotional distress it caused. We acknowledged that the ubiquity of devices isn’t going to change—it will likely intensify. 

With this recognition, we discussed strategies to influence children’s algorithms toward healthier, more positive content. One parent shared how she sends her daughter uplifting memes and reels, hoping her daughter will interact with “LOVE YOURSELF” content and subsequently alter her algorithm to feature more positive themes.

It is essential that we engage with our children’s internet usage rather than simply lamenting the problem. For families who have taken a more permissive approach to social media usage (reasoning that forbidden access on one device will lead to access through other means), we now understand that the algorithms targeting our children can be dangerous. These algorithms don’t present the whole truth and are usually selling something—whether it’s cosmetic procedures to achieve “beauty” or women-hating content that exploits experiences of rejection. 

What’s often being sold is self-hatred with a promise of a solution through clicks and engagement. Content creators like Andrew Tate promote harmful ideas that teenage brains lack the critical thinking skills to evaluate properly (like “going to bed early isn’t manly” — who doesn’t like sleep?!). 

Here’s a post on Instagram about one family’s methods for creating authentic connections and avoiding harmful stereotypes about masculinity.

Building Connections

Connection is often the solution, though this can be challenging since teenagers are developmentally programmed to distance themselves from parents, take risks, and test boundaries. 

Young boys and men look to male role models to define masculinity. These role models often include fathers or father figures, coaches, teachers, uncles, other male family members, and admired celebrities. Ensuring that male children have positive male role models who demonstrate healthy masculinity is crucial. The opportunity for coaches to leverage their unique relationships with athletes is central to the Coaching Boys into Men program that we hope to expand in Jackson. Community members interested in how coaches can be better role models can contact adrian@csnjh.org to discuss the Coaching Boys into Men program.

Developing Emotional Intelligence 

Many people—particularly boys and men—struggle with feeling, identifying, and processing emotions. At our Wednesday meeting, we discussed the emotion wheel and the importance of encouraging children to accurately name their emotions. Adults can model this behavior by moving beyond the basic seven emotions at the center of the wheel and identifying more specific feelings. This practice develops emotional intelligence and helps us better understand and process what we’re experiencing.

It Takes a Community

A recurring theme in discussions about “Adolescence” is that while parenting presents significant challenges, raising children is a community responsibility. A happy, healthy child believes in themselves and feels connected to the people and community around them. This can be difficult to ensure, especially for busy parents striving to connect with their children. 

Fortunately, our community offers various support programs that build confidence and connection for teens—from GAP!’s after-school and summer camp opportunities to One22’s Youth Enrichment Scholarships that help fund after-school activities. You can also visit our Youth Programs page to learn more about our violence prevention programs for local teens.