How to Recognize Domestic Violence & What To Say

There are several understandable reasons why the average person might have concerns about another person’s relationship but not express them, even when the relationship may be unhealthy or the person of concern seems to be struggling. We won’t list them here, as they are easy to come up with and pretty universally understandable – from “that’s not my business” to “I don’t know what to say.”  

Community Safety Network is here to say: lean in. Bridge that divide that says “their relationship is none of my business” and let someone know you’re thinking about them – that you care about their safety. Take a risk of sounding a little silly, putting yourself out there in the name of connection and support. Establish yourself as someone they can talk to, even if you’re not quite sure what to say.  

Meanwhile, we are here to help you understand what to say. 

Different relationships come with different boundaries, so what you say and how you say it might depend on an existing relationship. Whether you’re an estranged sibling, a roommate, a best friend, or a boss, there’s always a way to compassionately express concern without violating a boundary.  

Abuse is about power and control and is more than just physical violence. Here are examples of what someone might say that could be signs of abuse, with some examples of how you could respond.   

Examples

Their relationships are being controlled:  

• They might say: “Ever since dating ______, I don’t have as many close friends as I used to,” or “_____ really doesn’t like my family, so we don’t see them very much.”

• You can say: “I’m sorry to hear that! It’s important to have affirming relationships outside of your significant other. Do you feel like your partner doesn’t encourage relationships outside your romantic relationship?” 

Excuse-making by the survivor about the abuse is very common:  

• They might say: “Their job is just really stressful, the least I can do is make sure they’re taken care of at home,” or “They’ve got a bad temper, but I’ve learned how to handle it.” 

• You can say: “Do you feel like they take that stress out on you?” and/or “Life can be stressful, but there’s a difference between leaning on your partner for support and taking it out on your partner – one is okay, one is not. I’m worried about you, do you feel safe?” 

Their finances are being affected by the abuser:  

• They say: “Oh, we will always be renting, our credit isn’t good enough to get a loan for a house,” or “I’m still digging myself out of the hole that _____ made when I had to co-sign for their truck.”  

• You say: “It sounds like your partner is affecting your credit / financial health – is that true? Are they making financial decisions without your input?” 

They experience cruelty or belittling:  

• They might say: “They always say my outfit looks stupid or I look desperate.”  

• You can say: “You are beautiful and amazing and they should tell you that every chance they get! I’m worried you’re not being treated as good as you deserve – do you feel valued?” 

Their partner is extremely jealous:  

• They say: “We don’t really go out anymore, _____ gets so jealous” 

• You say: “Jealousy is a totally normal emotion – I get it, I’m jealous of lots of people! But not being able to control it can be scary. Does the jealousy ever make you feel bad or crazy?” 

Pets are experiencing abuse:  

• They might say: “They really don’t like my dog, but they’re just not a dog person, you know? But sometimes it’s a little much.” 

• You can say: “Oh for sure – some people just don’t like pets. Do they treat the dog poorly or are they just not affectionate?” and “That sounds scary! Do you ever feel unsafe?” 

Their relationship has extreme ups and downs:  

• They might say: “Things are a little rough right now, but they’ll get better – that’s love, you know?”  

• You can say: “Oh sure, relationships have their ups and downs. Overall, it should make you feel good, though – do they make you feel good/safe/loved/special most days?” 

Their work is being negatively affected:  

• They might say: “For some reason we always get in fights in the morning, so I’m always late to work!” or “They keep calling me at work even when I’ve asked them to stop.” 

• You can say: “Does that happen often? Do you feel like they respect and support your work?” 

There are extreme consequences for small mistakes, and they often act like royalty in the household:  

• They might say: “They always have to have their coffee piping hot, or I’ll hear about it!” or “They are kind of OCD about me keeping the house clean, but then they will just pile their clothes on the floor, and I have to clean them up!” 

• You can say: “Tell me about it! I wish my partner was a little neater! Are they responsive to your concerns, though? Do they do their part or does all the work fall to you?” 

It’s unlikely that someone would disclose physical abuse in an initial conversation, but any kind of pushing, shoving, biting, kicking, hitting, etc. is abuse. So, too, is throwing things or punching walls or displaying threatening behavior or weapons. 

Supportive Phrases

Here are some various things to say to be supportive, express concern, wrap up the conversation, and/or share CSN’s information with people you’re worried about: 

“I’m so sorry that’s happening.” 

“You deserve better.” 

“Whatever you’ve done or whatever has been done to you, you deserve a relationship that is healthy and safe.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“You’re not alone – so many of us have had these experiences, but that doesn’t make it okay.” 

“You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself.” 

“That kind of behavior isn’t okay.” 

“That is kind of scary.” 

“That seems unfair.” 

“I’m concerned for your safety.” 

“I’m worried about you.” 

“Can I share a resource that might be helpful?” 

“Here’s a number that might be helpful. You deserve support, and they know a bit more about this stuff than I do.” 

We invite you to always be comfortable expressing concern for a loved one. “I’m worried about you – you deserve to be happy and healthy” is always okay, even if you have suspicions about their relationship that end up being false. Expressing concern is much different than “you should dump that *******.” The former establishes you as a safe, supportive person, while the latter can result in the person feeling judged and cutting ties.  

It is unlikely after an initial conversation that a person in an abusive conversation will say, “You’re right, this is an abusive relationship, I’m done!” But it is likely that your concern will invite them to consider their reality and their options, that they do have choice, and that you and CSN are there to help them regain the agency that is rightfully theirs.